Celebrating Christmas
We all recognise big family and social occasions can be difficult to cope with if you have an eating disorder in your life, either personally, or as a carer for a friend or loved one.
Who or what can help?
open and trusting family relationships, empathetic friends to share your thoughts and anxieties….
Look at what makes you feel more at ease, any aspects you may enjoy about the festive season. Discuss these with a friend or family member you feel comfortable with.
Some suggestions are:
candlelight children’s excitement getting together walks in the snow
smiling as the older folks nod off decorating the house
coal fires and good books giving/receiving gifts fir trees/holly berries
clear frosty nights/starry skies walking the dog taking photos Watchnight service
cheesy Christmas movies pantomime Christmas music and carols
Everyone has their own particular favourites.
What makes you anxious?
people looking at me/what I’m eating How will I cope? What will others think?
the sheer amount of food Will they think I’m ungrateful? everyone in a perpetual frenzy
going “round the houses” deciding what to wear shopping work nights out
being alone when everyone else is out there having fun unhelpful comments
Christmas Dinner
Set meal or buffet? What is helpful for you? It may be helpful if you can talk about what is planned beforehand with a family member or friend. Perhaps options such as boiled potatoes and some steamed vegetables could be included. Perhaps the amount of food actually on the table could be reduced in general. Perhaps you could order a take-away banquet; no one cooks and everyone can just take what they want. The key is to try to plan ahead and discuss it.
Try to focus on why you are all gathered together. If you find it difficult, try to focus on what it means to others, perhaps an older family member who lives alone, a brother or sister who lives and works abroad.
If there are young children there, try to absorb some of their excitement, and focus on it.
Think about the time involved, at most, one afternoon. It will pass, and if you do manage to share your anxieties with someone beforehand, it will seem a little less daunting.
Friends and family can help by having Christmas food in stages with some non-food activities in between, a brisk walk together, some present giving and receiving, some games. We don’t normally prepare so much to have in one go! Families can opt out of this!
We all have a choice…perhaps the whole family could agree to reduce focus on food, to give the money saved to a charity, or simply pay for a family day out, or a family treat…..any family activity, even, very importantly spending time chatting and nurturing relationships. If you prefer to spend time with friends, you could talk about planning the day in a similar way.
Can you share your concerns with one person who can mediate with others on your behalf?
If this thought is too awful…how can you proceed?
Other Activities
Try to make arrangements to meet up away from peoples’ homes, a woodland walk, an art gallery….
Visiting at home between meals can be difficult as you can be offered lots of snacks…Try to distract yourself, by choosing to do things you enjoy, when you can, relaxation, be in the company of people and or animals you want to be with. Animals have a great knack of making you feel better. If you don’t have your own, you could visit an animal sanctuary, stables or zoo, even just walking past fields of farm animals can lighten your step. Read….what makes you feel better? What inspires you?
Try to distract yourself…anything to take your mind off food. Get a supportive friend or relative to help you with this if you can. A problem shared can be a problem halved.
Remember, it’s okay to say no, you do have a choice, whether it’s avoiding the occasional get-together, or just saying no to some or all of the food. As a host, you should try not to push food or drink on anyone. This can be difficult for the older generation who remember when food and drink were not so plentiful year round!
You may feel all eyes are watching what you put in your mouth. Nothing could be further from the truth as there is always so much going on at the dinner table/drinks party. Although most people see when Uncle X has had one or two drinks too many, or Cousin Y is a tad too flirty!
You could offer to help the host clear the table, amuse the youngsters, take the dog out, in order to get yourself some space.
Arrange to spend the time somewhere less triggering, or spend it with someone you feel more comfortable with. It’s ok! We all need time out at some stage.
Get some fresh air and exercise, or time alone if you need it.
It would be perfectly acceptable to put recovery targets “on hold” for the festive period, to relieve pressure. You have the tools to correct any blips. Try not to feel it’s a catastrophic setback. We all learn from blips, and they will always be there! We just get better at coping with them. Try to share your feelings with an empathetic friend or family member.
If the pressure to binge becomes great because the opportunity to do so is there with all the food around-how do you work through this? ………..Eat regular healthy meals/snacks and try not to let yourself get too hungry (depends very much on stage of recovery) but it can reduce the likelihood of a binge.
If the worst happens, remember, “it will pass”, it’s okay, it’s only a blip and the season will soon be over…..
Some thoughts on the subject…….for everyone.
“Today’s hassles are tomorrow’s history.” Grainne
“Very soon it will be Spring, and I for one, after all the activity, try to focus on the arrival of the first snowdrops…then a big sigh of relief!” Heather
“My own tactic, as an anorexic, was to think, whatever happens, can be “sorted out” afterwards…. It was a comfort to think things would soon be under my own control again. It helped me cope with “having to be seen to be eating”, not wanting to offend or reject hospitality from those I love. Sometimes, just letting it all out, having a good cry somewhere you feel safe, helps when it all gets too much.” Carol
The social/family pressures may bring things to a (painful, but possibly helpful) head and provide the opportunity to share and start on the road to recovery………
“I used to find that the more I feared losing control of my eating, the more likely it was to happen…. So focussing on the outcome you want, is better. Carol
For Carers
Recognise that big social occasions can be particularly difficult times and resist making comments about food.
Discuss potential scenarios with sufferers to avoid sudden panic, chaos or simply misunderstanding.
Try to place the emphasis on relationships not food.
Try to re-educate other family members! Can be challenging!
Try to be as normal as possible, caring without smothering.
Take time out yourself, when things get a bit hot in the kitchen/dining room and try to relax.
“As a carer I always made Christmas Day my personal day off from worrying about how much my daughter was eating and concentrated on enjoying her company and all the other non-food pleasures that Christmas Day was about. It meant that the stress was lifted off both of us – and she always made an effort to sit at the table and eat something – even if it was only vegetables. Neither made comments about what the other was doing – she was undereating, and I was overeating! – but we kept it stress-free and enjoyed the day.
We all have a right to have a day off from worry! Let Christmas Day be one of them!” Mel
The facilitators at NEEDS(Scotland) wish everyone all the very best for a peaceful and happy Christmas.
